Awareness

**** Warning! Downer Post. If you aren't up for that, feel free to skip down to the happier posts from today below********
I had been putting some of this post aside waiting for the "perfect time" to post it. Waiting for it to coincide with something or for me to feel comfortable sharing it with everyone. Not that I think it's a big secret or anything, but it is still personal and something we have and continue to struggle with. Some days I am all about sharing and other days not so much. Mike and I struggle with infertility issues and we have ever since Caleb was born. I have been doing some research online and there seems to be some disagreement when the actual month of awareness for this issue resides. Some say October, others say June and then there's also just a fertility vs. infertility awareness month. It's too much to remember and I keep putting this off trying to make it "fit" with one of these but what I have decided is that it really doesn't matter because when you struggle with infertility, you are ALWAYS aware, just like everything else people struggle with. So I don't need a special month to talk about it. It's on my mind every day, nearly all day. I have been quiet about most of it except for a few friends and my sister as of late, but like they say blogging can be therapy, and I think writing it all out may help some and make others aware of what is going on with us. That was the whole point of starting this blog was to share with everyone we love both close and far away what is going on with us and invite them on our journey with us as parents, as a couple and as individuals.
No, this isn't an "official" announcement that Mike and I are trying to get pregnant again. But yes at some point, we would like to. We have always talked about having 3-4 children. It's always been a goal and a dream of ours. So we are confident that we do want to try one more time, but we also know the struggles both emotionally and physically that lie ahead for us in this endeavor. Everything has to be just right and we have to be willing to put our all into it when we do decide to go for it. And it may take a while so we have to decide how long we are willing to try before we say enough is enough and can't handle the raw emotions and stress it brings to the table any longer if it doesn't happen quickly.
That being said, I have started having many more problems in that area health-wise lately. I suffer from PCOS which continues to get worse all the time for me. Symptoms include (just to name a few) irregular cycles, weight gain, infertility, excessive hair growth, trouble regulating insulin, etc.... I have been to the Dr. a couple times this year already with little to no help. And for the first time, we have sought the help of an actual fertility clinic to get a second opinion and arm ourselves with knowledge and what it will take to make another go round. We had our first consultation last week and it went well but there was so much information given. It's been very hard to digest it all and so many emotions provoked that it has led to a lot of crying on my part and a lot of late, late night discussions between us trying to figure out the best path when the time comes. I have also been scheduled for an HSG procedure on Monday to assess our situation a little more.
Infertility is tough, it's tough on everyone. Just like everything else, until you have gone through it and know what it's like to want more children so badly, it's hard to comprehend the toll it takes on people. It's hard to see the "perfect" families running around. It's hard to talk to women who never have problems in this area and things seem to just work perfectly for them. It's hard for me when people I know or people around me are announcing they are pregnant. At times, it can feel like a slap in the face. Just being thrown at you and reminding you of something you can't forget in the first place because it's always there. So if this has been you, and I haven't responded in the most "appropriate" way when being told of your pregnancy, I do apologize but also hope you understand. I can promise however at some point when I figure out how to deal with the information in my own way, I do come around and am at that point genuinely happy and excited for you. It just may not be right away, so be patient with me.
Something that is very annoying and at times even sometimes infuriating is when people stick their 2 cents in and think they know the right thing to say, when they don't and they just tend to make things worse. I took these things that I think you should NEVER tell a woman going through infertility from a friends blog who also deals with infertility issues and I think they are good from wherever she got them so I am using these with my own little thoughts and twist on them. So here are some things that were before the twins and are still commonly said to us.

1. "It will happen in the Lord's time." First of all, you should consider if this person is religious or not. For some people this may be comforting, for others it may be aggravating. For us, it can be both but mostly it is annoying and frustrating. While we do have some religious background, we also find it hard to believe this line of thinking so please back away.

2. "Just adopt!" Adoption is a huge undertaking and there is tons of stress and decision making on it's own in that area. And no, for us it is not totally out of the question. But at this time it's not what we want so don't try to push us down that path. If/when it may come to that we will consider it. But until then, just be understanding of our choice to try it on our own and listen and be there. We are both aware that at some point, that may be our only option but while there is still hope otherwise we want to go in the direction we are going for now.

3. For the last one I am going to quote her WHOLE quote she listed on her blog from the source she used and her thoughts on it. "You need to relax. Go on vacation. Let me tell you from experience, it is almost impossible to relax when going through infertility. Imagine, if you will, your child going missing for a few hours. There is a huge hole in the pit of your stomach, right? Like you have lost one of the most important things to you. That is what infertility feels like all of the time, like you are missing your child." Whether you are at home or in Aruba that missing feeling is there. It travels with you in car or on a plane and it doesn't go away. We all know what it feels like to feel incomplete from time to time and this is how it is for me all the time. Right now, I feel the child missing in the pit of my stomach. I want to hold, love and raise that child. But they are missing.

I am so thankful for the 3 wonderful, healthy and crazy boys we have already so don't ever get me wrong there. But we know our little family isn't "complete" yet. That may change as we go further down this path and at some point we may decide that we are "complete." But we aren't there yet. So you may get blog posts and updates on this issue from time to time. If you want to read them and come along on our journey, we can use all the positive support we can get. If you choose not to, that's fine too and we understand but please be respectful of my desire to share and just skip those posts that relate to this subject.